Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

killer shrike
Fri Mar 31, 2006 at 05:36:34 am EST
Subject
All of Me (And a Little Too Much of Him) Part Two Newly Edited
[New] [Email] [Print] [RSS] [Tales of the Parodyverse]
 		Next In Thread >>

All of Me (And a Little too Much of Him)


Part Two: Dancer’s Deeply Difficult Day



To understand the symptomatology behind Killer Shrike’s extreme dislike of Sarah Shepherdson, one must become aware of several factors:

When Simon Maddicks first arrived of the Parodyverse, he was kept from robbing a bank by highly improbable circumstances, and instead wound up borrowing $187 from a certain peppy, personable pedestrian on the spot.

This loan put the Butcher Bird in a crippling karmic debt to the waitress, and, subsequently, her Englander beau, when the Heckblazer managed to wangle a portion of that balance due for his own benefit.

Killer Shrike is a murderous thug with little social graces.

Killer Shrike fears what he cannot comprehend.

These truths would blend into an unalloyed, blusterous animosity which was self-evident if said self was privy to the innermost mindscape of the young woman, where Shrike currently nested.

(Come on, woman, open your eyes!)

“I don’t think so, Simon,” Sarah reached somewhat clumsily across her shower for her body wash, “You can’t be trusted to be a gentleman.”

(You’re going to slip and break your neck. A tub can be a deathtrap if you’re not careful. Believe me, I know.)

Sarah squeezed a dollop of soap into her hand, “Is that your twisty way of implying you’ve killed people while they’ve tried to enjoy a good soak?”

(Mayyyybe.)

The pretty brunette made a sour face and began working up a lather.

(Was that the phone?)

Sarah ignored the ruse, choosing instead to attack the dry patches on her elbows with the loofah.

(Dammit! Bad enough I gotta be cooped up in the back of your head, now I can’t even avail myself of the view!)

*****


Simon would not find any satisfaction at breakfast either.

(Great: cottage cheese and a lumpy coaster. Yum.)

“And cantaloupe!” Shep said triumphantly as she as down to eat, “The lumpy coaster is a rice cake, by the way.”

(Is this what you normally eat for breakfast, or are doing this just to torture me?)

Sarah popped a piece of melon her mouth, “I’m dieting. I need to lose three pounds for my next audition. What do you normally have for breakfast, Simon?” she asked as she masticated.

(Steak, chops, sausage, bacon, eggs, home fries, biscuits and gravy.)

“Hmm,” the young woman tapped her chin thoughtfully, “I’m starting to get an idea why you’re so grumpy, Simon. It’s your diet. You really need to add some fiber to your meals. Cleans the whole system out.”

(I don’t think so.)

Sarah put her plate in the sink, “When you get back in your regular body, you really should have your prostrate examined.”

The Avian Assassin cribbed a line from a wise guy he knew, (I ain’t going to no proctologist. I don’t like it when somebody sticks their finger in my face.)

There was a pause.

(If I get back.)

After tying on her apron Sarah gathered up the keys she would need to open the diner, “Con will come through. He may be a treacherous, insufferable no account snake, but he’s a clever one. Which, I guess, goes without saying.”

(Well, he sure got you fooled, at least. I mean, the way you bought that ‘I got to go out for soothsaying supplies’ bull****. It was pretty freakin’ obvious that the rat b****** just wanted to pawn me off on you so he could go play the ponies or something.)

The leggy brunette grimaced, “Nothing Con Johnstantine does is very obvious.”

*****


“Any of you gents got a match?”

The black clad youths looked up from their work. They had been loading several hundred dollars worth of sound equipment in what appeared to be one of their mother’s station wagon. The tallest of the group recognized the questioner.

“Hey. It’s him. The Heckblazer.”

Con Johnstantine smirked as he stepped into the alleyway behind the music store, “Guilty. Always a pleasure to be recognized.”

The four teens lined up to face the bothersome Brit, “Yeah. You’re the one who hoodwinked Killer Shrike into being your cat’s-paw back in Killer Shrike Flies Again #4.”

“If you say so,” Con shrugged, though inwardly he felt a bit nonplussed. It was wrong for these Emo boys to speak metatextually, unless-

“Bloody Hero Feeders!” he brought two fingers to his lips to whistle for the cavalry. One of the figures twisted and blurred as it lunged to grapple Johnstantine. No longer resembling anything that could be considered human, the Lurker Below took hold of his quarry’s digits and snapped them maliciously.

“Our brothers are entertaining the gnome and the gargoyle currently, pest. You are all alone,” it hissed before clubbing the occult investigator into unconsciousness.

*****


Breakfast at The Bean and Donut Coffee Bar was always hectic. Commuters went out of their way to break bread at the cozy diner, attracted by the eclectic menu, the affordable prices, and the personable help. Led by one server in particular, the staff worked to make each customer feel appreciated before sending he or she off to the rat race.

It was a difficult assignment, but one Sarah Shepherdson normally handled with aplomb. However, today the young waitress was carrying some extra weight, which, while spiritual in substance, was considerable.

(Blah Blah Blah – Does Grandma Moses here ever shut up?

Shep ignored the indignant voice in her head and kept her focus on Mrs. Agnew, “Well, I’m glad to hear you and Jean Claude Kitty have settled your dispute over who gets the rocker.”

(Liar.)

“And I agree with him; you need to start taking your pills again.”

(The Cat Whisperer is off her meds? Color me shocked.)

“The pills are for her angina,” Sarah whispered despite herself.

“What’s that dear?” the octogenarian asked her friend.

(Huh. The old bat’s got pretty good hearing. But then, bats usually do.)

“Nothing, Mrs. Agnew. Will you excuse us- er, me for a moment?”

After ducking into the ladies room where they could speak in privacy Sarah began, “Simon, can I ask you a question?”

(It’s not like I could stop ya if I wanted, Legs.)

“I just wanted to know why you feel the need to denigrate everyone who crosses your path. There are so many other, more constructive ways to feel better about yourself than putting down others.”

“Ah, lighten up. I’m just doin’ a little color commentary. Like Cosell used to. It ain’t proof of some hang-up on my part. If anybody’s psyche is warped here, I’m guessing its yours. All yer bending over backwards to make nicey-nice with these losers has gotta mean something.”

“I don’t think you are a loser, Simon,” Shep gave herself a wry smile in the mirror and primped, “It’s just as easy to be considerate to someone as it is to be rude. And you get the added satisfaction of making the world a little bit better.”

“Shep?” a voice from outside the bathroom called, “You, uh, alone in there? I heard, uh, voices.”

It was then Sarah realized that she had indeed vocalized Killer Shrike’s diatribe, which certainly not the sign of anything good but with more pressing matters she set aside her concerns for now, “Sure, Fran. I’m just, um, rehearsing for a part. I’ll be right out.”

“Good,” her co-worker said before her voice became grave, “Because your sister’s here and she’s in one of her moods.”

(Hey, I met her! Brat got in my way when I was hired to murder that s******* spiffy! She was a foul-mouthed pyromaniac with no appreciation of the law or good supervillain costumes. Quite frankly, you should be more like her.)

“I’m sure Kerry would have appreciated your sentiments if she heard them, Simon. But let’s try to keep quiet when she’s around. There’s a bacon double cheeseburger in it for you if you do.”

Sarah took Simon’s silence as acquiescence and pushed through the doors to deal with her sister.

Sprawled across one side of the corner booth, her legs propped up on the table, waited Kerry Shepherdson, “ ‘Bout time you got here.”

“Feet off the table, please. Good morning, Kerry. Danny,” Shep acknowledged the young man her sister was leaning on.

“Hey,” he replied as he absently stroked his girlfriend’s long lustrous locks.

(Who’s the punk in the leather jacket? He looks familiar.)


Kerry took out her still flavorful gum and stuck it on the salt shaker, “Two cokes, an order of fries, and some of that chocolate cake I see on the counter there.”

“That’s not much of a breakfast, is it Kerry? And I need you to take your-”

“Isn’t it?” the teenager looked up into her boyfriend’s eyes, “So El Fake-O is like, ‘I’m on a power trip now that my seed has found purchase’ and gives me this list. A chore list.”

“Heh.”

Kerry, ignoring her sister’s growing glare, sneered, “Yeah. So, as Der Fuehrer is trying to hand me this stupid piece of paper somehow it catches fire-“

“Somehow,” Danny grinned.

“- and I’m like ‘I hope you saved that to disc, Dorkface, ‘cause that one’s just gone up in smoke.”

“That’s totally cold, Firecracker.”

Sarah took a breath and counted to five, “Kerry-“

“You still here?” the Probability Arsonist asked, not even bothering to turn her neck to check.

“Yes, and I Move your g******* feet off that table before I get a f****** hacksaw and cut them off!! And you! Fonzie! Stop grooming your girlfriend, sit up, and wipe that pompous smirk off your face!” Sarah slapped her palm down on the counter angrily.

Both teenagers immediately complied, more out of shock for any other reason. Once both recovered, they stared agog at the shaking young waitress.

Sarah Shepherdson heard a low, guttural laugh echo in the back of her head.

(Ah heh heh. There you go. Problem solved. You just have to know how to talk to kids, is all.)

Next: Con Johnstantine meets the Man Who Would Be Killer Shrike. Shep tries to help a friend in need, but suffers a setback when her and her partner’s ideologies clash. Out next week.

Casting List:

I always bad mouth "Firefly", but I do have to admit I liked the character Jayne, played by Adam Baldwin, who was soemwhat Killer Shrikey. And since he's the right height, age, and build, let's go with him to play Simon Maddicks





Dancer is a deeply difficult one to cast, but I like "Lost's" Evangeline Lily for the part.




I should have Keanu Reeves play Con Johnstantine just to be cruel, but instead let's go with roguish and surprisingly affable Jude Law ("Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" instead)




And even though he hasn't quite shown up yet, the villain of the piece could be played by singer Billie Jo Armstrong of "Greenday."








cpe-24-160-18-76.sw.res.rr.com (24.160.18.76) U.S. Company
Palm Web Pro/Windows XP (0.08 points)
[New] [Email] [Print] [RSS] [Tales of the Parodyverse]
Follow-Ups:

Echo™ v3.0 alpha © 2003-2006 Powermad Software
Copyright © 2004-2006 by Mangacool Adventure